Monday night was the much anticipated fantasy suite dates on The Bachelorette. Unfortunately, instead of getting to laugh at the jokes made about spending the night together, ABC left us last week with a huge cliffhanger: was Luke going home? Is true love dead? I need to know.
The episode started off where it left off. Jojo was in the middle of a panic attack about sending beautiful and emotionally stable Luke home, in favor of keeping mundane Chase (I'm kidding, I love you) and two ex-professional athletes. Much to my dismay, Jojo still chose to send Luke home and we were forced to watch the saddest, most heart-wrenching break up ever. Jojo seemed incredibly upset with her own decision, while Luke was trying to figure out where he went wrong. He kept repeating how this wasn't supposed to happen, and he didn't know how to react because they were meant to be together. At this point, it was seven minutes into the episode and I was crying actual, real tears. True love doesn't exist!! (Then again, if Luke is the Bachelor, SIGN ME UP Y'ALL!!)
After a commercial break where I opted for two more cupcakes and another slice of pie (sometimes all you can do is eat your feelings), we join Jojo and the dudes in Thailand. She seems to have totally forgotten Luke, um how, and is excited about spending the night with two decent humans, and Robby.
Most fantasy suite dates, before the actual fantasy suite, are totally boring. They're usually spent walking around the town and awkwardly interacting with locals. Robby and Jojo's date is no different. They walk around for a little bit before a thunderstorm hits (symbolism), so they go and get pedicures. This is Robby's second on-camera pedicure this season. That's all.
Once again they talk about his ex-girlfriend and it's super repetitive. At dinner, Robby shows up wearing pants, which is amazing considering it's probably a gazillion degrees where they are, not to mention the humidity. Dinner is boring again, and Robby "turns on the charm" by showing Jojo a note that his dad had slipped into the back pocket of his (skinny) jeans following their hometown date. It talks about how he can just see Robby's love for Jojo, and it's really obvious that Robby wrote it himself. He accepts the fantasy suite card, and the next morning we see them again with like six plates of uneaten food on the bed with them. Bye Felicias.
Jordan's date is next. He and Jojo are going hiking to a temple, and honestly, throughout this entire date I can only think about two things: I would look so sweaty and gross if I were on this date, and God bless the dedicated camera men, producers, sound people, and more that hiked this mountain while carrying their huge equipment. I can barely carry a 10 pound camera 100 feet to my car, so I can't even imagine what they went through. When Jordan and Jojo reach the temple, I realize that they can't be affectionate because this is a religious site. I kind of like this, because for once, it gives the pair a chance to actually talk about things. Unfortunately, their conversation is boring and I lose focus.
Dinner with Jordan is actually kind of cool. Jojo grills him about his future and he starts slipping up until he takes note of that and says exactly what Jojo wants to hear: he's waiting to plan his future around her. OK. Naturally he gets the fantasy suite card, because Jojo has literally wanted to give it to him since night one. Their suite is so much nicer than the bedroom shack Robby got. Also, Jordan is totally ripped and I won't lie, looks reaaaallly good. Like, HELLO JORDAN.
Chase is last, and I wonder if he knows he's third, or if it's kept secret, or maybe he even went first and they edited it to be last. I don't know! Of the three left, I like Chase the most. He seems to be the most "real" and in it for the right reasons. (AKA no ex-girlfriend drama like both Robby and Jordan have.) Like the other two, he and Jojo walk around, make friends with a monkey, and swim in the ocean. I love him.
While getting ready (playing in the sand) for dinner, Robby shows up at Jojo's hotel! GET OUT, ROBBY. GET. OUT. Then again, I feel like whenever the producers tell you to go hang out in the sand for a while, you're in danger.
I don't really remember what happened during the dinner portion of Chase's date, but I do know that he gets the fantasy suite card and accepts. (Duh.) When they get upstairs, Chase tells Jojo the three magic words that she really wants to hear: I love you. All of a sudden, the vibe changes and Jojo takes a break and goes outside for some fresh air. She comes back, and Chase sets down his champagne. She tells him that she has decided to send him home. He picks his drink back up and chugs it. Same. He refreshingly calls Jojo out on her crap, saying that he put himself out there and that she shouldn't have given him the fantasy suite card if she was just going to send him home. It's nice to hear someone treat her honestly. Plus, this was a crap move on Jojo's part.
Side note: Chase totally had the joke of the season. When he was going outside to get in the van and go back who knows where, he cracks a beer open, gets in the car, and asks the driver, "Oh, is this the fantasy suite?" It's hilarious.
The next day, Jordan and Robby show up to the rose ceremony and tell Chris Harrison (at his contractually obligated appearance) that they love her. Jojo shows up and the pair immediately know that Chase has been sent home... Or has he? Chase walks into the rose ceremony to apologize to Jojo about the way he acted (boo, she deserved it) but I know or hope that he did it to clear his conscious and not hers.
Next week is the three hour "live" event. Hopefully Chris Harrison will try and force a live wedding on Jojo and whichever retired athlete she chooses to spend her life with. See you then!
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