Two weeks without The Bachelorette was too long. My Monday night had no purpose, no popcorn, no drama, and the worst of all, no wine. Needless to say, when 8:00 rolled around (finally) this Monday, I popped my popcorn, grabbed my Ben and Jerry's (just finished Tonight Dough - it's my favorite flavor!!), poured myself a large glass of the cheapest Cabernet I could find, and settled in.
As always, the previews made this week's episode look way more dramatic than it actually was. The previous episode ended with our good friend Chad, wandering the woods looking for Alex. Meanwhile, back at the house, Wells is leading the men in a funeral of sorts, where they scatter Chad's leftover protein powder into the wind. I won't lie, I laughed out loud at this scene. Wells is so funny and the protein powder on top of everything else was hilarious. 10/10, Bachelorette producers.
Chad arrives at the house and the whole ordeal is a nonevent. I'm honestly not even sure why Chad came back to the house, except for being driven there by the producers. All he did was say more Chad-like things, tease Jordan a little bit more, and not apologize. Evan then pipes up, asking if Chad had his wallet on him because he still owed him a new shirt. Let it go, Evan. (By the way, someone set up a GoFundMe page to buy Evan a new shirt. If you feel so called as to donate, you can do so here.) Chad walks out the door, gets on a plane, and heads to Paradise. Bachelor in Paradise, that is.
The cocktail party that night was exactly the same as every other cocktail party that has ever been shown on the Bachelorette. Guys competed for Jojo's attention in whatever way they saw fit: giant blow up bubble things, telling her they loved her, reading her a poorly written poem, etc. Finally, the Rose Ceremony time comes. (As a refresher, Alex, Jordan, and Luke all three already have roses. Two weeks is too long, ABC.) This week we said goodbye to Daniel the Canadian and James F. who read the poem. The only thing that upset me about this decision was how long it took to actually happen.
Never fear, the episode is less than halfway over! Next stop... Uruguay! Where it's... Winter!
Jordan gets the first date card, and I am surprised that it took this long. Jojo has clearly liked Jordan the most from the start. When Jordan's name is read off the card, everyone stays silent. The girls at least pretended to be happy for each other. The date was on a yacht to an island with seals. Jordan touches his hair a lot. Jordan naturally gets the rose, even after avoiding some tough questions about his ex-girlfriend. (Who Jojo knows. Hm.) More importantly, there is ~drama~ brewing back at the hotel.
Vinny is giving everyone haircuts (when Jordan, who desperately needs one, isn't there) and the guys find a tabloid magazine (conveniently placed there by a producer) with an article about Jojo and her ex-boyfriend Chad. We were first introduced to Chad in Ben's season, when he sends her flowers and writes her a nice little note. Now he's claiming that she is only there for the fame. Even if that's not completely true, being the Bachelorette comes with a nice little paycheck. Regardless, the men are upset. Here's my tiny violin.
Jojo comes back and tells the cameras, "I've never been happier. I'm so happy." And they say, "Are you sure?" and show her the magazine. She cries, yells out that she hates him!, and has a conversation with the boys, telling them that there's no reason for them to be worried. This was another nonevent that looked huge and dramatic in the previews. (I hope whoever makes them is paid very well.)
The group date is everyone except Jordan and Robby. (Who is clearly not the most intelligent, because he tells Jordan how nervous he is about not getting a date. Robby. Chill.) The date is sand surfing, which honestly sounds horrible. Sand gets everywhere and makes you so uncomfortable. BUT. The softest sand I have ever felt was on a sand dune, however it still got everywhere and wasn't fun to try and wash off. The sand surfing is cut short by rain, which probably makes the sand stick even more!! The cocktail party is more boring than the actual sand date. Alex is a mean girl and decides that now Chad is gone, his new target is Derek. It works out though, because Derek gets the rose and is here for at least another week.
Robby's one on one date starts out with Jojo playing with a stray dog. On a beach in Uruguay. Jojo... Don't please. Literally nothing happens during this date except for them jumping off a cliff. I'm too scared to do that because nothing terrifies me more than the thought of a shark waiting down there for me, but I also don't have producers and camera men following me around making sure that stuff won't happen. They go to dinner, and Robby starts telling a really serious story about how his childhood best friend died in a car accident. It's really deep and sad. And he ends it by telling Jojo something very bold: he is in love with her. Robby, that's great, and I'm sure you are, seeing as how this is your first ever one on one date with Jojo!!! (This really stressed me out honestly.)
The Rose Ceremony night starts out with Derek confronting the Mean Girls of the house: Jordan, Alex, Chase, and Robby. 1/2 of them don't care because they already have roses, Chase asks Derek why he cares since he (Derek) also has a rose, and Alex declares to the camera that Derek is now public enemy #1. All this says to me is that Alex is the new Chad.
Jojo cancels the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party by saying (via Chris Harrison) that her decisions are final. We say goodbye to Evan (finally), Grant the fireman, and Vinny with the Horrible Haircut.
The previews for next week and the end of the season almost look too good to be true. (Probably because they are.) Will Jojo walk away without love? Does she pull a Ben and love two guys? What's up with her walking out during a Rose Ceremony? Only time will tell. See you next week.
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