Thursday, June 9, 2016

Bachelorette Recap : Week 3 and 4

Y'all. These two episodes. UNREAL. I was screaming and laughing and I had goosebumps and basically everything about it was textbook reality TV... and I loved every second of it. Let's get started.


The first episode of the two night special starts out how I expect fraternity houses look on a Sunday morning: guys are passed out everywhere, cups are half empty and just thrown wherever, it's a mess.

The first date card comes and to my surprise, Chase gets it. I'm really really surprised that Jordan hasn't been asked on a one-on-one date yet. The card says "let's get physical" and I can only imagine what this means.

When Chase shows up for the date, it's in front of a yoga studio. Jojo tells him that she's always wanted to get into yoga but never has, which is something that Jojo and I have in common. This date is cute but pretty weird, and gets really physical really fast. I guess that's what the card meant, but I don't think Jojo knew what she was getting into. After watching this date go on, yoga is something that I still won't be getting into, unless a guy with a perfect body and chiseled abs is doing it with me. And maybe not even then.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives. I'm really sad that Robby isn't on it, because he's super cute. (Hey Robby, if you ever read this, just know that I'm available.)

The group date escalates really quickly and the guys have to talk about really personal things, not only in front of Jojo, but in front of each other and an audience of strangers, oh yeah, and the millions of viewers at home. James F says it best: mom, turn off the TV. Ha! Evan is surprisingly the most confident of all of them, and decides to insinuate that Chad is on steroids. Probably the most courageous thing anyone has ever done on The Bachelorette.

To summarize this group date: Chad sucks, I need to find someone to love me like Alex hates Chad, Evan somehow got the group rose, Chad asked Jojo if she was serious, Jojo called him out on being rude and left. Great TV.

The final one-on-one date of the episode is with James T. It's pretty much everything I would want in a date: goofy period dancing, a cute old lady, and then a what-looks-like-green-screen-actual-location for the "alone time" portion. Jojo is worried that James T. is just a really good friend, but then he tells her how he used to be bullied, and then sings her a song that he wrote for her. So like, yeah. Same. Jojo took him out of the friendzone and gave him the rose. Does anyone actually ever go home on a one-on-one date?

To end episode one of our two night marathon, Evan confronts Chris Harrison about Chad. Chad gets really upset and starts talking about how he's going to rip off people's arms and legs and throw them in the pool. You know, normal people reactions.

Tuesday's episode starts with the pool party, and it actually does look really fun. They're goofing off and drinking and just having a good time. Not to mention that Jojo's bod is killer. Nothing really happens at the pool party, but after Jojo leaves Chad confronts Derek, who handles the confrontation amazingly well. I would have been shaking in my boots.

Unfortunately (but maybe fortunately) for us, Chad is not eliminated at the rose ceremony. Ali, Nick, and Christian. I had really liked Christian and Ali, mostly for playing peacekeeper for Chad.

Jojo gathers the men around and tells them to pack their bags because they're leaving LA and going to.... the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania! Seriously. Of all the places to pack up and go? But they seem excited about it and their "cabin" (five star luxury hotel) is really nice so like, same.

The guys soon find out that there's only one one-on-one date and a group date, which means that the third date is the highly anticipated two-on-one date. I say a quick prayer that it's Alex vs. Chad on this date.

Luke gets the one-on-one date, and Jojo makes him chop wood for their hot tub, and I'm oddly into it. As the date goes on, we learn about Luke's experience in the Army. As it turns out, he's just like every Nicholas Spark's male hero rolled into one guy. After telling Jojo that his best friend and older brother figure was killed in action, he gets the rose (duh) and Jojo leads him to another surprise... a concert! Only this time it's not just the two of them dancing alone while a band awkwardly plays, they're dancing on a stage in front of the band in front of an audience of strangers! This is weird.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives. Everyone is on it except Chad and Alex. This is honestly a dream come true.

The group date is at the Steelers stadium, AKA Jordan gets to shine. It's a football challenge, which is super fun for the athletic guys like Robby and Chase and Derek, and not so much for the smaller ones like Evan (who ends up with a bloody nose) and James T. (who has to get stitches after an elbow to the face). The team with the most points gets the night with Jojo. Jordan literally cannot lose in this situation, as he is deemed starting quarterback for BOTH teams. Obviously, the losing team is really upset as they leave the stadium defeated. Nothing exciting at all happens during the night part of the group date, except for Jordan getting the rose after "opening up," AKA explaining nothing further but repeating the same things in different ways. Hopefully there's a lot more depth to the conversations than what the producers choose to show.

FINALLY, the two-on-one arrives. Chad and Alex both pack their bags and then two things happen: Chad tells Jordan that after the show is over, he's going to find his house and beat him up, and then they all sit in 30 seconds of complete silence before the doorbell finally rings. I wasn't even there and it put my social anxiety through the roof.

This date is about nature. They go on a hike to a secluded river and waterfall scene. Honestly, Alex looks good and rugged. His shirt color is really nice. Jojo talks to him first, and asks him about Chad. After saying that he'd rather not, Jojo pushes him further and eventually he opens up and tells her about the threats and the situation with Jordan this morning. Then Jojo talks to Chad. She kind of throws Alex under the bus a little by telling Chad all that he said, but then gains back my respect by calling Chad immature and saying that resorting to violence isn't something that she likes at all. At this point I'm 100% that Chad is going home and Alex wins, but then Jojo starts crying about how Chad's mom just died six months ago and how he's hurting on the inside. That is such a horrible situation, but c'mon Jojo. C'mon.

Alex ends up getting the rose after Jojo took some alone time to think. (Side note: during this time we learned that Chad really likes milk and Alex does not.) She doesn't want to be with Chad when he doesn't get a rose, so she breaks up with him in front of Alex. He stalks off into the forest while Alex and Jojo go back to a cabin somewhere not too far away. The producers take away his suitcase and the guys at the house celebrate with Fireball shots and party poppers. Same.

It's 9:58 and I'm getting anxious. How is this episode going to end?! And then it happens. Better than I could ever imagine. We follow Chad, as the sun is setting, through the woods. We're not sure where he's going, but we hear his voice over saying things like "is this real," "I can't believe this," "she's going to regret this," and the whole time I'm thinking, "Oh my god he's going to the cabin where Alex and Jojo are. I can't wait." BUT something better happens: he knocks on the door of the cabin/hotel where the other guys are. And the episode ends with Derek's panicked voice, "Chad is knocking on the door right now."

Then the screen fades to black and all we see is, "to be continued." Oh my god, ABC. And, to top it off, it's TWO WEEKS before the next episode! How am I supposed to go that long with such a cliffhanger of an ending?! And THREE "to be continued" episodes in a row?!

I can't wait.

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